It's
the Only Dance I Know
Asperger’s and Me
I was born and adopted into a caring family. They did
the best they could, but as far back as I could remember, I knew something wasn’t right.
I didn’t fit in.
I didn’t belong.
I didn’t know the rules.
I got along better with adults than I did with children.
I was a stranger in a strange land.
I tried to figure out the rules, through trial and
error. Lots of error. Everyone else seemed to understand the rules of the game, how to fit
it, how to be part of a group. But not me. I had to guess and most of the time I was
wrong. So I ended up alone.
…We always had classical music in the house, in the
car, wherever. I’m surprised my mom didn’t put a cassette player in the bathroom. I
could probably have burped the first bar of Beethoven’s 5th Symphony. I like classical
music still, but I like lots of other kinds as well.
…We were trucked all over the city for orchestras. My
mom worked all over the city and burned the candle at both ends. Still does, even though
she’s retired. To my mom’s surprise, and mine, I became a pretty good bass player.
Granted my sister is the better player by a long shot, but she had the discipline to do
everything correctly, the way my mom taught it. She went off to Interlochen and New York
to study and now plays professionally. For money. Me, I just play for fun and the very
occasional paying gig.
…I’ve managed to get through college, get a
university degree. I’ve survived. In my own way, I am a success. Granted I’m not rich
or powerful or thin. But I’m not in jail, dead, the father of twins or lying in the
gutter. I have learned to partially overcome my condition and carve a life out for myself.
I’ve walked in darkness, pain, sorrow, anguish, confusion, alienation, anger, and fear
for many years. But now I walk in the light, in hope, caring, with joy, gratitude and
serenity.
There is no treatment for my condition, no pill I can
take that would end my suffering. Some things are the way they are and you have to get
used to it.
I can only hope that sharing my story my inspire others
to reach up, and never let others put them down because they’re different. I hope it
will help others to appreciate who they are, what they are, and their very uniqueness.
Maybe some day the world will appreciate those who are
mindblind like me and others. But for now I know who and what I am. If I’m outside
looking in, then maybe that’s just how it’s meant to be.
I just wish things didn’t have to be so hard and that
I had known all this earlier.
Read the Prequel: Two-Stepping in a Waltz World
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